Ladybird Books to Reflect Modern Society (2)

Public Information: The Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

We hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

(Courtesy of the internet!)

When drunks get bored!

courtesy of l'internet!

Animal Thoughts 1

....courtesy of the internet!

The internet's a wonderful thing ... The Late Thierry Henry

Ladybird Books New Titles To Reflect Modern Society (1)

Nat West Launch Customer Charter; Barclays Launch Brendan Cole Live

Not to be outdone by NatWest launching their new Customer Charter, high street rivals, Barclays Bank, have signed up Strictly Come Dancing bad boy Lothario and now happily married Antipodean, Brendan Cole, 34, to be the face and feet of their re-vamped inter-active and dramatic new banking halls.

With the new season of Strictly Come Dancing just three months away, Brendan is said to be delighted in helping Barclays bring dance to their customers and is looking forward to appearing on stage in the re-vamped branches all around the country.

The dance star undertook a warm-up tour across the country prior to signing for Barclays and confirmed that he would be appearing regularly for the banking giant throughout the Strictly off season, saying: “Well, clearly, with re-vamping currently in vogue, I wanted to make sure I had something to fall back on, should Strictly decide I’d be part of the re-vamping next year. Barclays are a professional organisation, dedicated to bringing dance to the masses and I wanted to be a part of that. And, they gave me an Additions Active account too – I get free travel insurance all year, which is extremely handy, what with all the travelling between the UK and New Zealand!”

We asked how training was going for the launch, to which Brendan’s reply was accompanied by a slight wince. “It’s all good, we just struggled a bit with the landing in the last session, when someone moved the crash mat.”

Torres Has Beef!

Liverpool forward Fernando Torres has shocked family, friends and colleagues, by indulging in the traditional British dish of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

Everyone who knows the Spanish international forward was convinced he was both vegetarian and committed to the healthy mediterranean diet, but it is now apparent that he has in fact been scoffing the best of British cuisine.

A neighbour, who did not wish to be identified, says she often heard the sizzling of bacon on a Sunday morning, and could smell the mouth-watering delicacy wafting across their estate. She told us that Fernando denied it was an English fry-up, and insisited he was knocking up a vegetarian paella.

However, close inspection of his bin bags before collection yielded an unseemly array of egg cartons, bacon packaging, black pudding wrappers and, more worryingly, an empty tin that had once contained chopped tomatoes - proving that the footballer was not yet fully conversant with the art of a full blown English fry up.

Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas sign up for Basic Instinct 10: Hip Replacement Therapy.

TV Companies Scramble to Sign Paul The Octopus

After correctly predicting the outcome of the world cup final, Paul the octopus has reportedly been offered a six figure deal by ITV, to front their new Sunday afternoon football programme, The Big Match.

Not to be outdone, the BBC counter-acted with their own offer, hoping that Paul can be enticed into sharing The One Show sofa with Jason Manford, and are said to be dangling an eight-figure salary, which Paul has apparently indicated is much more to his liking.

However, ITV bosses are confident of securing the footballing genius. A spokesman clearly not suffering from a sense of De Ja Vu, said: "A football highlights show on Sunday is a huge step forward for us as a commercial station and will challenge the domination of the BBC's coverage of Sunday afternoon sport."

Paul's agent, Max Clifford, denied both reports, saying that he and Paul would be jetting off to the Seychelles to spend, or rather, invest, all of Paul's winnings from his various accumulator bets, on a brand new, state of the art underwater kingdom for the spineless know-it-all.

Paul will also get a new tank.