Elixir of Life Discovered

Scientists have discovered a substance on Easter Island that they believe will become the ultimate anti-ageing potion and are rushing to patent the biochemical compound before L'Oreal or Olay can get their hands on it.


NHS Trusts however, have issued a statement asking if the makers of the elixir have given any thought to the pressure placed upon hospitals and GP surgeries if this 'elixir' were produced in pill form, as has been suggeseted. The Undertakers Union also expressed their disgust and outrage at the idea, slamming the scientists for their irresponsibility and demanding assurances that their profession will not suffer financially.

The anti-fungal agent produced by soil bacteria has preserved the Easter Island figures for millenia and it's believed the product produced could extend life expectancy by up to eighty years. The only drawback is it turns you to stone, although it's apparent that some people - those who see plastic as their only alternative - do not see this as a problem.

Sculptors report an increase in enquiries for their services, in particular, life size scuptures and plinths for exhibition purposes, along with information regarding public display in residential areas, as the general populace seek to be immortalised in their front gardens for all eternity.

PM's Wife Blogs About First Ladies Jolly

Prime Minister's wife Sarah Brown must have had a glass or few too many when she let slip on her blog the details of the so-called 'spouses summit' at the G8 in Italy.

Following a day spent on a wine bar crawl and designer shopping trip organised by Berlusconi's Interior Minister, Miss L'Aquila 2002, the First Ladies pigged out on tins of Heinz Ravioli, specially flown into Rome because Russian premier's wife, Mrs Putin, won't eat anything else.

They then adjourned to the gardens of the British Embassy to enjoy the honey harvest from the resident beehives. Here they were greeted by the Italian equivalent of the Chippendales, La Cassinas, a naked male dance troupe, specially invited by Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi. Mrs Brown's description of what happened was hurriedly deleted, but not before comments such as *ahem* and *phew* and *fans self* had been noted by the world's media.

Little Piggies Speak Out Against Conditions

The five little piggies at that heart of the "This little piggy went to market" rhyme have finally decided to speak up about the shocking conditions they endure for the self-gratification of parents and children throughout the world.

"It's no fun spending every spare minute at that stupid market you know," sniffed Piggy Number One, "just for once it'd be nice if I could go to the cinema or, oh, I dunno - Thorpe Park or Chessington would be nice."

Piggy Number Two, however, said Piggy Number One should be grateful he got to see the outside of their house. "I was made to stay home and now, when I want to be out exploring the world, I find I can't - I've developed agoraphobia from being stuck here for so long. The fantasy will of children at bedtime is a terrible, terrible thing."

The fourth little piggy tutted: "At least you get some decent grub occasionally - I have to sit here watching him (he indicated the third little piggy) stuffing himself full of roast beef -"

"Oh, you think I wouldn't like something else for a change? Trust me, if I could give you the damn beef, I would. I've yearned to try sushi but it just ain't happening, is it?" Piggy Number Three then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

And the fifth little piggy went: "Sod this for a game of soldiers; I'm ripping it up in Ibiza as a rave DJ. See ya."

Telford Retains UK Snooker Championship

Shropshire's Telford has retained the UK Snooker Championship for the third year in a row, but the result was met with outrage from actual snooker players, furious that the North West town was awarded the championship without lifting a cue.

Ronnie O'Sullivan, John Higgins and defending champion Shaun Murphy are petitioning the governing body, saying it should be impossible to retain the title without being able to play the game.

And Stephen Hendry complained: "It makes a mockery of everything I stand for. I didn't knock myself out all these years to see some upstart town who didn't practice, never played a single match and doesn't even bother turning up for tournaments elsewhere just walk away with the title."

Sunday Supplement: Ecclestone stands by "Credit where credit's due" comments

As exclusive interviews go, this isn't one. But comments from a source close to Formula One Supremo Bernie Eccleston, suggest that comments attributed to Eccleston, suggesting that Eccleston was a fan of former evil dictator, Hitler, were taken completely out of context and he was in no way condoning or excusing the atrocities committed. The source went on to say:

"Bernie just feels that when someone has an aptitude for something that, regardless of what else they may or may not achieve in life, that particular skill should be recognised. Some people may be woefully inadequate when engaging with others socially, yet may be a great artist or musician. He wasn't just talking about Hitler - he said Ian Huntley was a great example - no-one ever remembers what a fantastic caretaker he was, do they? Or Ian Brady's landscape gardening skills. Yes, what they did was evil and wicked, but like Bernie says - credit where credit's due. Where would medical science be without Jack the Ripper?"

Eccleston's ability to see the good in everyone has come back to bite him in the nether regions before, by way the ill-advised donation of £1 million to the Labour Party, covering the cost of a private party for the cabinet. The source shuffled uncomfortably and admitted that the bill, including £36,000 for plastic pint glasses had 'surprised' them somewhat and they wouldn't be doing it again in a hurry.

Saturday Review: US Network Scoop Robin Hood

The BBC's decision to axe popular Saturday night tea time special, Robin Hood, caused outrage amongst fans of the show, however, there is light at the end of the wooded glade as US giant network, Fox, have successfully negotiated with the English National Heritage Trust to bring their own re-imagining of the popular English myth to our screens.

July the 4th seems the perfect day to announce the remake - it's been updated and will be set against the backdrop of the American War of Independence and will focus on the love triangle between Robin (Brad Pitt) Marian (Angelina Jolie) and the Sheriff of Nottingham (George Clooney, in a rare baddie role for him). Whilst giving nothing away, let's just say Marian is left reeling by revelations as the series progresses!

Fox Chairman Peter Rice said: "We're very excited by the cast we're assembling - Benicio Del Toro was magnificent as Friar Tuck in the screentest and bringing in Jennifer Aniston as King George's daughter, Augusta Sophia, adds extra spice."

Some critics have questioned the validity of setting the well known legend in a different era and country, suggesting that the links with the original may be quite tenuous, but Rice rebuffs this. "There's a demand for this kind of show that the BBC - and ITV, for that matter - would do well to recognise - their public don't want endless inane quiz shows, but quality drama shot on location. With our new satellite beaming direct into Britain's homes, we hope to put the action and adventure back into the British living room on a Saturday night. Just wait till the episode where the anomalies open and the dinosaurs start popping out - stunning!"

Andy Murray Resigns Self To Just Being Scottish Again

Following his expulsion from Wimbledon at the hands of American Andy Roddick, Scotsman Andy Murray said he won't let it ruin his year, especially when it comes to Hogmanay, as, being a true Scotsman he'll make the most of the only night of the year he can let himself go and down a few Scotches.

Losing in four sets, the Scotsman said that one of the truly disappointing aspects of bowing out was the fact that he would no longer be referred to as 'Brit' Andy Murray. However, he would learn to cope until the next Wimbledon or his first Grand Slam victory, whichever came first, when he would, of course, become British again, if only for one Sports Personality of the Year Award night.

He joins fellow Scottish superstars who are sometimes British, David Weir and Chris Hoy, in happily representing the whole nation when there is a World Championship or Olympic title at stake, but reserved the right to support any nation other than England when it came to football.

Kournikova Serves up Knockout Backhand

Ex-tennis pin-up, Anna Kournikova, has taken up professional boxing and won her first bout at the Lavo venue in Las Vegas.

Her opponent, Sri Lankan champion Vicky Glassyersoonaslookatchaminger, initially took the lead in the first round, catching Kournikova unawares with a stunning right hook, but was unable to match her initial flurry, succumbing to the steady onslaught from Kournikova until finally forced to throw in the towel with six rounds remaining.

It was a masterly display from Kournikova, whose relative inexperience didn't stop her taking the fight to Glassyersoonaslookatchaminger, a veteran with nine championship bouts behind her. The victory sets up a match with the current WBO Champion Paula Molina and seals the deal on a number of lucrative photo shoots with all the major glossies.

Manchester United Chairman Unhappy at Loss of Ronaldo

Secretly shot footage has come into our possession, of a top level meeting in the Manchester United boardroom and we feel it is entirely in the interest of public to publish this remarkable piece of film.

However, please be aware that it does contain shocking images and foul language, so if you are of a nervous disposition, please do not watch.

No, really - we're serious, do not watch if you are easily offended by coarse language and slight racist overtones. Please note, the views contained therein are not held by anyone associated with The Daily Scatter or its sister publications.

Please also do not watch if you have a) recently had stitches, or b) recently had a baby, or c) a bad back or d) a dodgy ticker, or e) most importantly, bladder control problems.




You have been warned!

American Producers Move for British Superstars

Following reports that Susan Boyle will take a starring role in the next series of cult US comedy hit, Ugly Betty, other shows are also set to woo the cream of Britain's top talent.

Those approached include Kerry Katona, who is set to star in Desperate Housewives, where she will introduce the ladies of Wisteria Lane to the delights of the chest freezer, whilst Jordan takes on the whole of New York in a return of Sex and the City, showing Samantha how it should be done.

Meanwhile, Kevin Whatley and John Nettles will be taking part in a work exchange scheme, with their two most famous characters swapping Oxford and Midsomer for the mean streets of Florida in CSI Miami.

And there's even one for the oldies in the audience, as Mark Thatcher joins the cast of Lost.

Royal Mint Chief To Be Made Chancellor

In a precedented act of total confusion, Gordon Brown today made the Shareholder Executive of the Royal Mint his Chancellor of the Exchequer, after the Shareholder showed such an immense understanding of the financial makets today.

Following a cock-up on the printing front, 150,000 20p pieces were released into circulation without a date imprinted upon them and in a staggering piece of free market enterprise, the London Mint offered £50 per 20p piece, showing an unnerving head for figures that Alistair Darling was simply no match for.

However, questions are already being raised in the House, such as: "What kind of moron would pay fifty quid for twenty pence?" and "Who's in charge of the calculator in that place?

Numismatists shuffled their feet and look embarrassed, admitting that the coins had been exchanging hands for up to six times higher since last year, although this still paled into insignificance against the 2p pieces saying "new pence" instead of "two pence" changing hands for £200 each, whilst the valueless half-pence piece is now going a £500 a pop - just because "they don't make 'em like that anymore."

Sunday Supplement: Celebrity Wiff Waff, Round Five

With the semi-final looming, Karen Pickering became the sixth celebrity voted off the new celebrity reality show that has captured the imagination of the viewing public, drawing in audiences of up to twenty!

However, controversy has hit the tournament, as Gethin Jones made it through to the next round again, even though he was once more disqualified, this time for stuffing his face full of the eigthteen dishes of strawberries and cream before anyone else could get a look in.

With Karen up against pop princess Su-Elise Nash, the judges faced their toughest decision yet. However, since Desmond had been clearly been biased towards Su-Elise from the start of the tournament, it came as no surprise that she made it through.

The girls were very evenly matched in every department. Wardrobe, particuarly, had made a huge effort to ensure the competitors would not be hindered by the malfunctions both girls had previously suffered and introduced white airtex polo shirts and navy blue knickers to be on the safe side, much to Nicky's disgust.

But the forums have been split in two, with half saying they're disgusted that Su-Elise was sent through again, when clearly she is the least popular and the other half complaining that Gethin should be automatically placed in the bottom two if disqualified, particularly as both Su-Elise and Karen had thrashed him. This was countered by the other half of the forum, who said that his demolition of Gordon justified his place, together with the close win against Madonna, although they did concede she seemed a little bit distracted by the young, hot, young, fit, young, hunky looking, Adonis-like Welshman, repeatedly asking him to speak to her in his native tongue. In, or with, anyway.

Boris appeared on the sister magazine round up show "It's All a Bit Wiffy" to re-iterate how the scoring system worked (points for points scored and victories timeds by the points deducted for lost points and losses added to the judges scores for techical merit, presentation and bravery less the points scored (or deducted) for calories counted correctly (or wrongly) added to the viewers vote.)

"The aim of the earlier auditions was to ensure, as I'm sure you recall, a high standard of play to begin with and as such, all the matches and the decisions that followed would be very close. There is no truth to the rumour that Gethin is about to pull out of the tournament, he's winning enough points in every other department to make up for the loss of points for disqualification."

The judges have the power in the play off to put through who they feel deserves the place most, be it the most technically gifted or the most technically gifted, even if the competitior may be lacking in the charisma or passion that excites the public so much. Roll on the semi!

Saturday Review: Thompson Twins in Arresting Comeback!

Out of all the bands making a comeback, the last we expected to see were that sibling confused combo, the Thompson Twins, who began as septuplets but gradually dwindled down to triplets before finally re-emerging as actual twins.

With hits in the eighties such as Doctor, Doctor and Hold Me Now about to be remixed into trance versions, we asked why the same privilege wasn't being extended to ultra pop classic, We Are Detective.

"Completely out of the question," stated ex-roadie, ex congo player Joe Leeway, who resisted the urge to rejoin the band, preferring to remain Keeper of the Shrine to Paul McCartney on the Mull of Kintyre. "That is an autobiographical account of our lives in the Metropolitan Police and I wasn't going to have it trivialised." He stared wistfully into space. "They were the best years of my life, back in the day: Smoking by the newspaper stand; checking for footprints round the garden tree; and the dressing up. Oh, the dressing up - only for disguise purposes you understand ..." he added quickly.

Alligator "unhappy" at baggage class travel

A Norwegian student has been critisized by the Oslo branch of the R.S.P.C.A, after carrying a seventy five foot alligator in a bag aboard his train from Poland to Norway.

The officials descended on the student after other passengers became agitated at the constant moaning of the alligator - Henry - who was rather put out at being stuck in a student rucksack and shoved in the overhead rack.

"It's just the height of indignity", snapped Henry, when asked what his problem was. "I managed to persuade him to not leave me in the luggage carriage, which was something, but quite frankly, I'd never have left Poland had I known we weren't travelling first class."

Asked why he'd decided to bring Henry on a train to Norway, the student replied: "He's a wimp, he won't fly."