Yes, it's true - which is why I've taken a few liberties with the definition of 'daily' lately, for which I apologise!
Having served my apprenticeship on The Daily Scatter for the past 18 months or so, I've been lucky enough to land the job of 'Community Publisher' for the Rochester Local People site - please visit me here, see if I can't tempt you to visit the place itself!
We've just gone live today, having spent the last week populating the site and I'm hopeful that normal service will resume here within a few days, I'm already getting withdrawal symptons!
Thanks for reading and for your comments - it's always encouraged me and kept me going - I will see you soon.
Jaye
Monday, 8 February 2010
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Saturday News Review: Delayed Doherty Hit by Bagels
When delays hit your weekend plans, it's usually of the kind associated with leaves on the line or the wrong kind of snow, logistical and timing issues we Brits are so used to.
But for Babyshambles star Pete Doherty, being somewhat different, it was the raging battle between New York Bagels and Morrison's own brand that proved so costly during his weekly shop.
With the own brand staging a demonstration against the New York Bagels, who refused to yield their space on the shelf in the bakery section, Doherty was forced to abandon his basket containing sugar, salt, talc, coke, self-raising flour and a copy of Take A Break, whom it's believed is offfering £150 for his true life story, after a dozen bagels pushed him aside in an effort to join the battle, leaving him badly shaken.
"Taking Pete shopping was all part of his ongoing rehabilitation process," stated a close friend, sadly. "I fear this little episode will set him back months."
But for Babyshambles star Pete Doherty, being somewhat different, it was the raging battle between New York Bagels and Morrison's own brand that proved so costly during his weekly shop.
With the own brand staging a demonstration against the New York Bagels, who refused to yield their space on the shelf in the bakery section, Doherty was forced to abandon his basket containing sugar, salt, talc, coke, self-raising flour and a copy of Take A Break, whom it's believed is offfering £150 for his true life story, after a dozen bagels pushed him aside in an effort to join the battle, leaving him badly shaken.
"Taking Pete shopping was all part of his ongoing rehabilitation process," stated a close friend, sadly. "I fear this little episode will set him back months."
Thursday, 4 February 2010
"Blade" Found in Baby's Shoe!
The parents of a four day old baby were shocked to discover actor Wesley Snipes hiding in one of their son's new shoes, when they dressed him after a day out in the Medway Towns.
Questions were immediately being raised at the Primani outlet in Chatham's High Street, as to how the Hollywood star, wearing thick black leather and carrying a four foot iron sword, could have managed to hide inside the tiny shoe box and make it home with the young family.
The baby boy was said to be doing well, although was rejecting his milk and preferring to bite his mother, who said: "I just thought he'd started teething a bit early."
Questions were immediately being raised at the Primani outlet in Chatham's High Street, as to how the Hollywood star, wearing thick black leather and carrying a four foot iron sword, could have managed to hide inside the tiny shoe box and make it home with the young family.
The baby boy was said to be doing well, although was rejecting his milk and preferring to bite his mother, who said: "I just thought he'd started teething a bit early."
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Co-operative Targets M&S Food
Following the unveiling of the Co-op's new brand of Ambient Sausage Rolls, which are being snapped up at twice the price of their normal sausage rolls, the Co-op have brought forward plans to roll out a whole host of super foods to compete with the upper echelons of food retailers.
Atmospheric Bean Sprouts, Jaunty Spaghetti, Creative Cauliflowers and Cosmic Peaches are set to join the Ambient Sausages Rolls in expensive packaging covered with pretty pictures, in an effort to part hard-working families with more cash, in the belief that the foods - which are all made and pakaged in exactly the same place as the budget brand - will taste better and be healthier, just because the advert says so.
"We're exceedingly pleased with the early results," said a spokesman for the Co-op. "The new sausage rolls have captured the imagination of shoppers, leaving them feeling happier and healthier at this dreary time of year."
Atmospheric Bean Sprouts, Jaunty Spaghetti, Creative Cauliflowers and Cosmic Peaches are set to join the Ambient Sausages Rolls in expensive packaging covered with pretty pictures, in an effort to part hard-working families with more cash, in the belief that the foods - which are all made and pakaged in exactly the same place as the budget brand - will taste better and be healthier, just because the advert says so.
"We're exceedingly pleased with the early results," said a spokesman for the Co-op. "The new sausage rolls have captured the imagination of shoppers, leaving them feeling happier and healthier at this dreary time of year."
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Sunday Supplement: Blaine to Blame for Vanishing Midwives?
Health chief across the NHS held emergency talks this week, when it became apparent there were more and more cases of fathers to be having to deliver their own babies.
The evidence is stacking up against the American magician David Blaine - the latest incident in Blackburn saw a father-to-be witness his wife's midwife vanish before his eyes - Blaine was appearing at a local theatre just yards away; in Liverpool, the same happened to a young woman giving birth in the street, attended by an off duty midwife - Blaine was working the local shopping centre, and, sure enough - the off duty midwife disappeared before the baby popped into the world. Passers by on that occasion finished off, a paramedic unit luckily appearing within a few minutes - adding to the speculation that for every disappearance, an appearance also takes place and in most cases, the people concerned are swapped with each other.
Experts are convinced that Blaine is unaware of the catastophe and confusion he is causing, especially in the case of the midwife who was swapped with a taxidermist.
The evidence is stacking up against the American magician David Blaine - the latest incident in Blackburn saw a father-to-be witness his wife's midwife vanish before his eyes - Blaine was appearing at a local theatre just yards away; in Liverpool, the same happened to a young woman giving birth in the street, attended by an off duty midwife - Blaine was working the local shopping centre, and, sure enough - the off duty midwife disappeared before the baby popped into the world. Passers by on that occasion finished off, a paramedic unit luckily appearing within a few minutes - adding to the speculation that for every disappearance, an appearance also takes place and in most cases, the people concerned are swapped with each other.
Experts are convinced that Blaine is unaware of the catastophe and confusion he is causing, especially in the case of the midwife who was swapped with a taxidermist.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Saturday Film Review: Woods Wants McEvoy as Hobbit
Friends and family of Lord of the Rings star Elijah Woods are today remaining tight lipped about the star's whereabouts, after he fantasised aloud about dressing British actor James McEvoy up as a Hobbit and taking him on a quest. Other pals however, state that Elijah has become somewhat obsessed by Hobbits since his seventeen years filming the epic trilogy.
Elijah's agent dismissed the reported comments, saying his client was "clearly joking", even though he was found rummaging through the studio's wardrobe department at the time, looking for the big, fake feet he and the other actors wore for filming.
Privately, a close friend admitted that Elijah had a bit of a thing for James, after seeing him as Mr. Tumnus in the Chronicles of Narnia. He also revealed that Elijah had spent a fortune voting for Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan to win Strictly Come Dancing, and that he cleared his bank account out to pay his phone bill when the BBC announced that the semi-final was down to public vote only.
"We're all very concerned about the cost of voting for Dancing on Ice now," said the close friend. "He's taken a real shine to Danny Young and is badgering the studio to come up with a long lost brother for Bilbo."
Elijah's agent dismissed the reported comments, saying his client was "clearly joking", even though he was found rummaging through the studio's wardrobe department at the time, looking for the big, fake feet he and the other actors wore for filming.
Privately, a close friend admitted that Elijah had a bit of a thing for James, after seeing him as Mr. Tumnus in the Chronicles of Narnia. He also revealed that Elijah had spent a fortune voting for Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan to win Strictly Come Dancing, and that he cleared his bank account out to pay his phone bill when the BBC announced that the semi-final was down to public vote only.
"We're all very concerned about the cost of voting for Dancing on Ice now," said the close friend. "He's taken a real shine to Danny Young and is badgering the studio to come up with a long lost brother for Bilbo."
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Davina's Terror in Big Brother House
Davina McCall vowed "Never again!" when she finally escaped the clutches of the celebrities in the Big Brother house last night.
Sent in undercover, the hostess, who's never entered before when the house is occupied, said she was shocked and disgusted by the rankness of the celebrities. Fearing that intimate snaps of them naked might find their way out onto the internet, the celebs have refused to bathe or shower, with the result that even the toughest plug-in air fresheners are making little difference.
"That's probably because they're always on the go and the automatic air freshener is puffing every few seconds," said a spokesman for programme makers, Endemol. "So they've all got used to it now - and it's the same one Davina uses, so she couldn't differentiate either."
Ms McCall, who is also presenting Sky's Got To Dance reality show, is said to be recovering well from her ordeal.
Sent in undercover, the hostess, who's never entered before when the house is occupied, said she was shocked and disgusted by the rankness of the celebrities. Fearing that intimate snaps of them naked might find their way out onto the internet, the celebs have refused to bathe or shower, with the result that even the toughest plug-in air fresheners are making little difference.
"That's probably because they're always on the go and the automatic air freshener is puffing every few seconds," said a spokesman for programme makers, Endemol. "So they've all got used to it now - and it's the same one Davina uses, so she couldn't differentiate either."
Ms McCall, who is also presenting Sky's Got To Dance reality show, is said to be recovering well from her ordeal.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Dairy Lea to replace Dairy Milk
Following the possible takeover of Cadbury by food giants Kraft, supermarkets were reporting a run on Creme Eggs, to the extent they were now becoming a rarity and fetching more money on Ebay than Faberge Eggs.
With chocoholics panicking over the possible loss of some of the iconic lines such as Buttons, petitions were piling into Cadbury headquarters, with at least half the population voicing their concerns.
Cadbury denied reports that Royal Bank of Scotland Chairman, Sir Stephen Hester, was the major Cadbury shareholder driving forward the deal with Kraft, although they agreed he would be in a win/win situation, with the monies from his shares there adding to the profit the bank will make on the back of the loan with Kraft and therefore driving up the costs of his share related bonus in RBS. "But there's no truth in that rumour," said a Cadbury spokesman, "so could you please refrain from printing it?"
They also denied reports that the renovations about to be undertaken on Bournville House were being carried out by Sir Fred Goodwin's property company. "Absolutely not!" stated the Cadbury spokesman vehemently. "I just don't know where you get half your information, I truly don't, but you're completely irresponsible in starting such nasty rumours."
And the fate of Creme Eggs?
"No Comment."
With chocoholics panicking over the possible loss of some of the iconic lines such as Buttons, petitions were piling into Cadbury headquarters, with at least half the population voicing their concerns.
Cadbury denied reports that Royal Bank of Scotland Chairman, Sir Stephen Hester, was the major Cadbury shareholder driving forward the deal with Kraft, although they agreed he would be in a win/win situation, with the monies from his shares there adding to the profit the bank will make on the back of the loan with Kraft and therefore driving up the costs of his share related bonus in RBS. "But there's no truth in that rumour," said a Cadbury spokesman, "so could you please refrain from printing it?"
They also denied reports that the renovations about to be undertaken on Bournville House were being carried out by Sir Fred Goodwin's property company. "Absolutely not!" stated the Cadbury spokesman vehemently. "I just don't know where you get half your information, I truly don't, but you're completely irresponsible in starting such nasty rumours."
And the fate of Creme Eggs?
"No Comment."
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Aliens Confused by Satellites
Heads of State throughout the world breathed a huge, slow sigh of relief today, when the founder of S.E.T.I revealed that alien life forms are being thrown off course by interference from the digital satellites orbiting Earth.
Dr Frank Drake, who founded the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence agency fifty years ago, said he was gutted that the chances of now communicating with the life forms on Mars and Venus was diminishing by the day, as more and more people switched from analogue.
The scientist firmly believes that the aliens who may have tried to visit us will no longer be able to follow the trail left by transmissions, and even those who have been here before would struggle to return without the same guidance.
"Let's be honest," he said, "unless the alien navigators are of the female persuasion, who can follow their noses (if they have any) or can stop off along the way to ask another species, they haven't the faintest chance of making it here."
Dr Frank Drake, who founded the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence agency fifty years ago, said he was gutted that the chances of now communicating with the life forms on Mars and Venus was diminishing by the day, as more and more people switched from analogue.
The scientist firmly believes that the aliens who may have tried to visit us will no longer be able to follow the trail left by transmissions, and even those who have been here before would struggle to return without the same guidance.
"Let's be honest," he said, "unless the alien navigators are of the female persuasion, who can follow their noses (if they have any) or can stop off along the way to ask another species, they haven't the faintest chance of making it here."
Monday, 25 January 2010
Woman Trips On Picasso
A priceless work of art was almost ruined today, when a woman attending a drug rehabilitation seminar in New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, overdosed on a fellow attendee's batch of fake Paloma Picasso perfume, Women's EDP.
Thelma Chrystalmeth Foy, 52, lost her balance following exposure to the 30ml Eau de Toilette, but carried on spraying, seemingly out of control. Bashing into the dividing bamboo screens in the Silk and Bamboo exhibition, Thelma's fall was cushioned by her landing onto Tracy Emin's unmade bed, exhibiting at the gallery for the next three weeks.
Not feeling herself, Thelma didn't realise it was an exhibit and set about straightening the sheets and shaking out the duvet, whipping off the linen off before security guards could stop her. Whilst much if the damage was easily repaired, the focus point of the piece was completely destroyed.
Ms Emin is expected to fly in next week to re-soil the fitted sheet. Ms Chrystalmeth Foy was said to be recovering, although she may look a little worse for wear for some days.
Thelma Chrystalmeth Foy, 52, lost her balance following exposure to the 30ml Eau de Toilette, but carried on spraying, seemingly out of control. Bashing into the dividing bamboo screens in the Silk and Bamboo exhibition, Thelma's fall was cushioned by her landing onto Tracy Emin's unmade bed, exhibiting at the gallery for the next three weeks.
Not feeling herself, Thelma didn't realise it was an exhibit and set about straightening the sheets and shaking out the duvet, whipping off the linen off before security guards could stop her. Whilst much if the damage was easily repaired, the focus point of the piece was completely destroyed.
Ms Emin is expected to fly in next week to re-soil the fitted sheet. Ms Chrystalmeth Foy was said to be recovering, although she may look a little worse for wear for some days.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Sunday Television Supplement: Royal's Upmarket Response to Dave
Clarence House has decided to enter the fray of commercial television, with their very own broadcasts from their royal residences.
The Queen herself has written and will star in sitcom One's Family, charting the trials and tribulations of many an annus horribilis, but on a Friday night at 7.30pm every week, with an hilarious turn from Prince Philip as a grumpy old man who just sits in an armchair demanding drink and girls all the time.
Prince Charles will be introducing coverage of the Real Tennis finals and the Polo World Cup, while wife Camilla hosts the all new All Star Lords and Ladies. Meanwhile, in a major reconciliation, Paul Burrell will chart the hysterical exploits of a personal assistant to wide boy Prince Harry, in the everyday story, Valet.
Finally, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa will present the royal's very own reality show So You Think You Can Sing Opera in a Horse Drawn Carriage, where lesser known members of the family not on the civil list will compete to be the most famous member of the royal family not on the civil list.
Tristram TV will be available on Digital, Freeview, in HD and will debut on April 1st.
The Queen herself has written and will star in sitcom One's Family, charting the trials and tribulations of many an annus horribilis, but on a Friday night at 7.30pm every week, with an hilarious turn from Prince Philip as a grumpy old man who just sits in an armchair demanding drink and girls all the time.
Prince Charles will be introducing coverage of the Real Tennis finals and the Polo World Cup, while wife Camilla hosts the all new All Star Lords and Ladies. Meanwhile, in a major reconciliation, Paul Burrell will chart the hysterical exploits of a personal assistant to wide boy Prince Harry, in the everyday story, Valet.
Finally, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa will present the royal's very own reality show So You Think You Can Sing Opera in a Horse Drawn Carriage, where lesser known members of the family not on the civil list will compete to be the most famous member of the royal family not on the civil list.
Tristram TV will be available on Digital, Freeview, in HD and will debut on April 1st.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Saturday Music Review: The Real "Busted"
The origins of the Harlan Howard song that gave Ray Charles his 1963 #4 in the Billboard Hot 100, Busted, have come to light, scribbled on the back of a beer crate, following a clearout of the songwriters home. With the original lyrics seemingly deemed unsuitable for the palates of the pop buying public of the time, they underwent a radical change before Charles or indeed, Johnny Cash, were allowed to record the catchy number.
A song that would grace any decade, particularly one blighted by recession, it's seen as an anthem by those struggling to make ends meet in tough times, however, it seems it wasn't financial constraints that were on Howard's mind when he wrote the original.
With young people de-sensitised to the less fragrant aspects of society, we feel it's time that Howard's song be given the credit such insightful songwriting deserves. Here, in all it's glory, the story of Howard's beano to Margate on a coach with his mates can finally be told.
A song that would grace any decade, particularly one blighted by recession, it's seen as an anthem by those struggling to make ends meet in tough times, however, it seems it wasn't financial constraints that were on Howard's mind when he wrote the original.
With young people de-sensitised to the less fragrant aspects of society, we feel it's time that Howard's song be given the credit such insightful songwriting deserves. Here, in all it's glory, the story of Howard's beano to Margate on a coach with his mates can finally be told.
Wasted
The toilet’s engaged, they’re taking an age and I’m wasted
I just gotta go, the tortoise head’s low and I’m wasted
My bum's really sore, gut’s the size of a store, the traffic cone’s stuck where it’s forbidden by law and my mates are insisting on downing one more, so I’m wasted
The pong is so strong, we cleared the bar throng and we’re wasted
The barmaid she said we are all drunken bums and we’re wasted
We’re all botty burping, our tummies all hurting, the toilet is blocked, the vicar defrocked and the barmaid’s fed up with our slurping, we’re so wasted
The wife wears a frown when I trip and fall down, I’m still wasted
She refused to be wooed, there was puke on my shoe, cos I’m wasted.
The kids staged a coup and my poo is like glue, she said I’d be better off in a zoo, it’s time to lay down but I can’t stop spinning round cos I’m wasted.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Press Invaded by Time Lords!
It's one of those "Where were you when it happened" moments, a happening in history forever etched in the minds and souls of humanity: in an amazing breakthrough, journalists have managed to fit almost an extra forty minutes into an hour, stretching the space time continuum in a way we can all benefit.
Initially an experiment, to ensure that all twelve remaining couples got an even amount of air time on this weekend's Dancing on Ice, sage journalists also discovered they could use the same methodology to explain the extra time afforded to Manchester United, whenever they were losing.
A scientist working at the Large Hadron Collider said they would be sending a contingent of experts to the public houses in and around Fleet Street, to gauge the extent the discovery could aid them in their quest for the answer to life, the universe and everything.
Initially an experiment, to ensure that all twelve remaining couples got an even amount of air time on this weekend's Dancing on Ice, sage journalists also discovered they could use the same methodology to explain the extra time afforded to Manchester United, whenever they were losing.
A scientist working at the Large Hadron Collider said they would be sending a contingent of experts to the public houses in and around Fleet Street, to gauge the extent the discovery could aid them in their quest for the answer to life, the universe and everything.
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