American Producers Move for British Superstars

Following reports that Susan Boyle will take a starring role in the next series of cult US comedy hit, Ugly Betty, other shows are also set to woo the cream of Britain's top talent.

Those approached include Kerry Katona, who is set to star in Desperate Housewives, where she will introduce the ladies of Wisteria Lane to the delights of the chest freezer, whilst Jordan takes on the whole of New York in a return of Sex and the City, showing Samantha how it should be done.

Meanwhile, Kevin Whatley and John Nettles will be taking part in a work exchange scheme, with their two most famous characters swapping Oxford and Midsomer for the mean streets of Florida in CSI Miami.

And there's even one for the oldies in the audience, as Mark Thatcher joins the cast of Lost.

Royal Mint Chief To Be Made Chancellor

In a precedented act of total confusion, Gordon Brown today made the Shareholder Executive of the Royal Mint his Chancellor of the Exchequer, after the Shareholder showed such an immense understanding of the financial makets today.

Following a cock-up on the printing front, 150,000 20p pieces were released into circulation without a date imprinted upon them and in a staggering piece of free market enterprise, the London Mint offered £50 per 20p piece, showing an unnerving head for figures that Alistair Darling was simply no match for.

However, questions are already being raised in the House, such as: "What kind of moron would pay fifty quid for twenty pence?" and "Who's in charge of the calculator in that place?

Numismatists shuffled their feet and look embarrassed, admitting that the coins had been exchanging hands for up to six times higher since last year, although this still paled into insignificance against the 2p pieces saying "new pence" instead of "two pence" changing hands for £200 each, whilst the valueless half-pence piece is now going a £500 a pop - just because "they don't make 'em like that anymore."

Sunday Supplement: Celebrity Wiff Waff, Round Five

With the semi-final looming, Karen Pickering became the sixth celebrity voted off the new celebrity reality show that has captured the imagination of the viewing public, drawing in audiences of up to twenty!

However, controversy has hit the tournament, as Gethin Jones made it through to the next round again, even though he was once more disqualified, this time for stuffing his face full of the eigthteen dishes of strawberries and cream before anyone else could get a look in.

With Karen up against pop princess Su-Elise Nash, the judges faced their toughest decision yet. However, since Desmond had been clearly been biased towards Su-Elise from the start of the tournament, it came as no surprise that she made it through.

The girls were very evenly matched in every department. Wardrobe, particuarly, had made a huge effort to ensure the competitors would not be hindered by the malfunctions both girls had previously suffered and introduced white airtex polo shirts and navy blue knickers to be on the safe side, much to Nicky's disgust.

But the forums have been split in two, with half saying they're disgusted that Su-Elise was sent through again, when clearly she is the least popular and the other half complaining that Gethin should be automatically placed in the bottom two if disqualified, particularly as both Su-Elise and Karen had thrashed him. This was countered by the other half of the forum, who said that his demolition of Gordon justified his place, together with the close win against Madonna, although they did concede she seemed a little bit distracted by the young, hot, young, fit, young, hunky looking, Adonis-like Welshman, repeatedly asking him to speak to her in his native tongue. In, or with, anyway.

Boris appeared on the sister magazine round up show "It's All a Bit Wiffy" to re-iterate how the scoring system worked (points for points scored and victories timeds by the points deducted for lost points and losses added to the judges scores for techical merit, presentation and bravery less the points scored (or deducted) for calories counted correctly (or wrongly) added to the viewers vote.)

"The aim of the earlier auditions was to ensure, as I'm sure you recall, a high standard of play to begin with and as such, all the matches and the decisions that followed would be very close. There is no truth to the rumour that Gethin is about to pull out of the tournament, he's winning enough points in every other department to make up for the loss of points for disqualification."

The judges have the power in the play off to put through who they feel deserves the place most, be it the most technically gifted or the most technically gifted, even if the competitior may be lacking in the charisma or passion that excites the public so much. Roll on the semi!

Saturday Review: Thompson Twins in Arresting Comeback!

Out of all the bands making a comeback, the last we expected to see were that sibling confused combo, the Thompson Twins, who began as septuplets but gradually dwindled down to triplets before finally re-emerging as actual twins.

With hits in the eighties such as Doctor, Doctor and Hold Me Now about to be remixed into trance versions, we asked why the same privilege wasn't being extended to ultra pop classic, We Are Detective.

"Completely out of the question," stated ex-roadie, ex congo player Joe Leeway, who resisted the urge to rejoin the band, preferring to remain Keeper of the Shrine to Paul McCartney on the Mull of Kintyre. "That is an autobiographical account of our lives in the Metropolitan Police and I wasn't going to have it trivialised." He stared wistfully into space. "They were the best years of my life, back in the day: Smoking by the newspaper stand; checking for footprints round the garden tree; and the dressing up. Oh, the dressing up - only for disguise purposes you understand ..." he added quickly.

Alligator "unhappy" at baggage class travel

A Norwegian student has been critisized by the Oslo branch of the R.S.P.C.A, after carrying a seventy five foot alligator in a bag aboard his train from Poland to Norway.

The officials descended on the student after other passengers became agitated at the constant moaning of the alligator - Henry - who was rather put out at being stuck in a student rucksack and shoved in the overhead rack.

"It's just the height of indignity", snapped Henry, when asked what his problem was. "I managed to persuade him to not leave me in the luggage carriage, which was something, but quite frankly, I'd never have left Poland had I known we weren't travelling first class."

Asked why he'd decided to bring Henry on a train to Norway, the student replied: "He's a wimp, he won't fly."

Jordan will "lose £3m in endorsements"

Following her antics in Ibiza, it's been reported that glamour model Katie Price could stand to lose as much as £3milion in endorsements, as companies look to regain some modicum of respect for their products.

However, her management company say the telephone is busier than ever and ultimately she could end up making more money than ever before. They're particularly excited at the £2million offered by businessmen in Columbia for Katie to act as a hostess at their AGM: "They're making a huge fuss of her and want everything to be spot on - the cake she'll be leaping from will be made by the finest bakers in the country and the poles for her second solo spot of the evening will be made of solid gold. And the business men are said to be fantastic tippers, so she could end up with another million in cash for the naked lap dancing."

An insider privately confessed to being disappointed with Ann Summers, who declined politely to use Katie in their latest campaign, stating that she didn't really fit the image they were trying to convey, and that, actually, they wouldn't touch her with a ten foot bargepole. However, the insider was delighted they'd received an invitation for her to join a newly formed ladies soccer team - Slappers United - sponsored by the Sunday Sport. "Right up Katie's alley" was in fact the exact phrase he used.

Kidscape children's charity are also keen to use Katie as a role model in their latest poster campaign, alongside Angelina Jolie, with the tag line:


"Call our helpline now and we can help turn you from that (see left) in to this (see right)! Don't delay, call us now on 08451 205204 and let us make you a better parent!"

Baroness Warsi Denies Second Job

Baroness Warsi, named as one of many in Parliament who still hold lucrative second jobs, denied that this was the case, insisting that her role of Chief Mattress Tester in her family's business was a voluntary position to lend support to the firm.

In fact, she went on to say that she cherished the role just for the fun of it and would happily pay them to let her carry on for as long as she was fit enough. Both she and her daughter spend many happy hours in the factory, especially recently, when her daughter had a Princess Party sleepover and invited all the girls from school.

It is believed that the Baroness is training her daughter to take over from her and the signs so far are encouraging.

"She's taken to it like a natural," stated the Baroness proudly. "It's quite daunting when you first dive headlong off the stantions onto the mattress pile, but it's the only way to truly find out if they're as good as we claim them to be. And she's getting close to my Record Bounce from a Standing Start, she's only nine inches away from the strip light above the memory foam section."

A union official at the factory though, say the workers are disappointed with the Baroness' decision to stay put, as they were all hoping for a chance to jump around on the mattresses during their breaks. "It's the only perk of the job there is, to be honest and from a business point of view, it would make for a healthy and happy workforce. We hope the Baroness will reconsider her position - the last one of which I believe was a Swivel Hips. And very well executed too - but it's time to let someone else have a go."

Sir Philip Hampton Tells How It All Adds Up

We cornered Sir Philip Hampton, Chairman of Royal Bank of Scotland, to ask him how he can justify the reported £9.6million incentive package to Chief Executive Stephen Hester.

"The package put in place for Stephen is fully deserved - since becoming Chief Executive he's saved the bank £4.2 million by making thousands of people redundant. Also, the free vending machines in the customer service centres - where our scapegoats work - had the Nescafe Caupuccino replaced by some seriously cheap shite that no-one is drinking, which saved a further £152k. This freed up enough cash for me to award myself a bonus of £22.3million for having the foresight to employ Stephen."

But what of the Government stakeholder, we asked, how did he allow these payments to be sanctioned?

"Well, because we saved £23.50 by not buying any pencil sharpeners, we've been able to pass on a 75p windfall to the public coffers, whilst at the same time upping his basic salary to £3.7 million for overseeing such a sterling effort by the Bank's newish board."

Really? What do you say to the people who feel you might be taking the piss somewhat?

"Mwah ha ha ha ...Mwah ha ha ha ..."

Quite. On behalf of the British Tax Payer, thanks. Thanks a bunch.

Posh Denies Film Audition

Victoria Beckham's publicist confirmed this week that Posh Spice did indeed have an operation to increase the size of her eyes, but denied reports that she would be auditioning for Jeff Goldblum's role in the remake of 'The Fly'.

Sunday Supplement: Shake up for Strictly?

News reports that there will be a shake up of the judges for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing have been met with mixed reactions by those involved.

Head Judge Len Goodman is convinced it's just being put about by insiders at the corporation, prior to them hitting the judges with a 50% pay cut. Arlene, however, is said to be furious at the prefix of "frail and elderly Arlene" that is appearing on all her BBC press releases, especially amid rumours that she has been axed in favour of the "young and nubile Alesha Dixon", in order to capture the X-Factor viewers. This has so far been uncomfirmed by the pop princess, who did confirm however, that she is indeed, young and nubile and that Arlene is a bit crabby.

Arlene, taking her cue from pop singer Pink, has apparently offered to bungee jump with silk scarves at the start of each show but this was met with a firm "Er, no thanks" by the production team, who felt that Sharon Osbourne had that particular area covered.

One the insiders alluded to by Len, did speak to us from behind a pot plant in the grounds outside the canteen. "They're worried - with X-Factor upping the spectacle and having two dolly birds amongst them, Craig and Bruno know it's only a mater of time before they'll be expected to get their kit off."

Saturday Review: The Royal Ascot Sportsday Handicap Open

It is without doubt the greatest sportsday in world, a unique event in the social calender, dating back over three hundred years. Steeped in heritage and pageantry, a celebration of everything uniquely British. Des Linesman studies the form book.

Talk of the paddock are the two eight year olds, either of whom many believe could be the first to win in over one hundred years. Mark Armytage, a sturdy little fellow who plays football on Saturdays and possesses a terrific bowling arm, won his maiden very nicely at Tumble Tots and is enjoying a new lease of life since changing primary schools. The runner up that day was filly Jane Gosden, she's from the family of the Pipes and the Pitmans and has since won the Year Two and Year Three challenge. It's a tall order, although the Going Report would seem to favour them: Good to firm; watered 4mm overnight; 1.4mm rainfall overnight, some mud to splodge about in, but not wet enough for water pistols.

The competition is fierce, the current Reception class and Year Ones, tough to beat as always. Keep an eye on Paula Cole, unbeaten in the sandpit, whilst Charlie Osborne kept up his record on the new turf over three laps in the nursery garden and could go well at a price. Jamie Buick responded well to the the fitting of sunglasses and is an attentive colt who looks to be a useful stayer in the making.

All in all, the handicaps placed on the Year Fours does suggest no records will be broken today - but there are a fair few punters out there putting their money on it!

Pattinson Taxi Reports "Exaggerated"

Movie bosses have denied that Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, has retired from the film industry to fulfill his life long dream of being a cabbie.

The screen idol apparently came to his momentous decision in Manhattan, when rescued by a New York cab driver from a hoard of screaming fans and realised that this was his "now or never" moment. In scenes reminiscent of Steve McQueen in Bullet (but not quite as fast. And without the same panache) the cab driver did his fare proud, hiding him in plain sight. Pattinson, 23, was said to be delighted and begged the cab driver to take him to the taxi firm as quickly as possible.

However, the driver declined to take Pattinson back to his base in Brooklyn, on account of having just finished his shift, advising the actor: "Sorry, mate - I ain't going south of the river."

Wayne Rooney's latest ...

... take out order proves too much for the pizza delivery boy ...

Girl To Sue Over Tattoo Horror

Belgian teenager Kimberley Vlaeminck had the shock of her life when she mistakenly visited the official website for the Edinburgh Military Tattoo.

She realised too late that the £101.00 she'd paid wasn't for a rather fetching Tartan Teddy Bear tattoo design she'd thought she'd seen there, but was for two front row tickets to the opening Saturday night of the prestigious Scottish music festival.

"It's not fair," she bleated (in Belgian, obviously). "I got what I paid for and when my dad pointed out what I'd bought, I realised I'd been duped - I must have fallen asleep and the page flipped over when I wasn't looking or something. The organisers should be ashamed of themselves for advertising an online tattoo shop like that."

The teenager is believed to be suing for material distress and battery, although it is unclear which battery she was referring to, Castle Mills Mount or the Half Moon.

New format for X-Factor

ITV Bosses have unveiled their plans to ensure that X-Factor eclipses Strictly Come Dancing in the ratings this year.

The new format will see contestants audition from the comfort of their homes, thereby enabling the voting public to take into account the wannabe superstars' decor as well as their talent, since clearly their lifestyle will come into play in the later stages of the competition.

"We understand how tough it is for the contestant when they're a bit shy," said a spokesman for the producer, "and felt that auditoning at home would put them more at ease. We also figured we could tie it in with a makeover programme - we know how popular they are - and those viewers who don't like the talent are welcome to vote for their favourite wallpaper. Aside from fame and fortune, the ultimate winner will have their house transformed by Linda Barker."

The four judges will split up with each taking a home nation, where they'll sit waiting for the producers to sift through the auditonees first five auditions, before deciding on the most talented acts, the acts with the best sob stories who aren't that exceptional and the acts that are so fantastically desperately cringemakingly awful they'll get star billing and a ticket straight through to the televised section of the competition, which this year will take place in a mud wrestling ring in the middle of Beckingham Palace.

The spokesman continued: "Apparently, Cheryl has had a word with Posh and she's fine about it, athough I understand she's having the carpet taken up and some cheap lino put down instead. And that's before Linda even gets there!"

The results will be aired on the Sunday night, from a hot air balloon tethered above Louis Walsh, with the act voted off ejected out via a huge suction tube full of maggots. Simon Cowell is said to "terrifically excited" by the new proposals, firmly believing this will capture the prestigious viewers vote for Most Popular Talent Show in the National Television Awards.

Gollum Arrested!

Reports that Gollum had faked his own death at the end of 'Lord of the Rings' appear to be true, following the arrest of a local man in California recently.

Sunday Supplement: Space Collision "inevitable"

Arguments between astrophysicists regarding orbital chaos are threatening to split the profession right down the middle.

Previously united against Creationists and refuting claims from America and Russia that space is infinite, some scientists are now of the opinion that time is running out and at some point in the future, Earth will be in a collision with Mars, Venus or possibly even Mercury (that part they're a little bit hazy on).

However, other eminent professors said their esteemed collegues were exaggerating the threat, in an attempt to obtain more funding from an already overstretched budget.

At the AGM in the Observatoire de Paris, the general consensus was that Mercury will be responsible for any such collision, whether directly involved or not, and immediate steps needed to be taken to safeguard humanity. One radical solution suggested was to despatch a nuclear warhead towards Mercury and exterminate the threat at source.

This idea was rubbished by the less panicky members of the Astronomical Society, leading to a fierce exchange of words, until the Secretary called for order. Asking how long we had left, to the nearest day, he was advised, to his shock, three and a half. There was a collective sigh of relief when this was found to be three and a half billion years and the Secretary demanded to know why the urgency to ratify a bigger budget and how much extra was needed.

The Chairman rose to justify the demands. "It would only be about one euro a packet - I'm sick of Bourbons. I want some Garibaldi for a change - and some of those M&S Belgian Chocolate jobbies."

The motion was passed unanimously.

Saturday Review: Celebrity Wiff Waff, Round Four

Gethin slipped back into the bad old ways and was disqualified for scoffing all three tureens of baked beans. The TV audience didn't seem to care and saved him again; the studio audience didn't seem so keen, although the floor manager thanked him for clearing the studio so quickly, it normally takes hours to get rid of the invited celebrity guests.

Gethin being saved put Su Elise into the bottom two for the first time, even though she finished second in the table and she was joined there by Jake, whose chances were scuppered when a dog got loose and jumped on him, licking him all over. However, Jodie was soon captured and ejected from the studio so the games could resume, but Jake's concentration and poise left him and he struggled to regain his previous form, finishing bottoom of the table.

Thus it was Jake who became the fourth celebrity to lose out in the judges play off: Boris acknowledged his sterling effort but said Su-Elise was "perfection" and Nicky, whilst struggling with the length of Su-Elise's dress, finally concluded that Jake should have steered well clear of beige. Desmond had been singing "Isn't She Lovely" whenever Su-Elise played, so it was a given she'd got his vote.

With only two weeks left before the semi-final, odds are being shortened on both Gordon Ramsey and Madonna to win the contest, being the only two celebs to avoid the bottom two and shine consistently in the top half of the table, while Karen Pickering is still considered a good each way bet. However, with the audience ultimately deciding the winner, this series looks to be the most hotly contested ever.

Daughter Throws Mum's Life Savings Away

An Israeli woman was left distraught this week, following her daughter's impulsive act of kindness that effectively ruined her life.

The daughter, known only as Anat, had generously bought her mother a new mattress to replace the battered and old worn one she owned, which she then threw out for rubbish collection - unaware that it contained her mother's life savings of approximately $1 million, stuffed into the lining!

Searches of all the local rubbish dumps proved fruitless and the mother may now have to move from her modest home (left) since she is now unable to pay the rent. She is hoping her daughter will be able to find room for her in her new family home just a few miles away (right).

Jordan Enters Race For Speaker

Model Katie Price has thrown her hat into the fray for the job coveted by hard core politicians Margaret Beckett and Anne Widdecombe.

Pokina Nosein asked why Katie felt she had the neccessary qualifications to make a success of such an important position in the Houses of Parliament and how she would cope with accusations that it was just another publicity stunt.

"Well, how hard can it be? I mean, if Joanna Lumley can get one over on Gordon Brown and Esther Rantzen can stand for Parliament, I don't see why I can't do me bit."

And the controversy surrounding the expenses scandal?

"No problem - everyone knows what I am, where I've bin and how much I've got. No secrets - I'm completely transparent. Just like me undies! I've got a new range due out, by the way, d'you wanna see?"

Georgie Porgie given 5 year jail term

Serial pest Georgie Porgie has finally been given the custodial sentence nursery rhyme land has been demanding for so long.

Porgie, 37, protested his innocence throughout the three week trial, but was found guilty by a unanimous verdict. However, his defence counsel, Jack Frost, stated that an appeal would be lodged immediately and he would also be seeking compensation for injuries sustained by his client whilst awaiting trial.

"The investgation into the attack on my client in custody has been shoddy, to say the least," confirmed Mr.Frost. "The police say there is little evidence to go on, even though my client has identified his assailant and the injury sustained is consistent with the MO of this character."

Goosey Goosey Gander, the character accused by Porgie, has a watertight alibi, having been in My Lady's chamber on the night in question, a fact confirmed by My Lady herself, happily sacrificing her marriage and reputation to ensure there was no miscarriage of justice. Gander, 42, stated: "Just because someone took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs, doesn't mean to say it was me, does it? He's just trying to fit me up cos he fancied a crack at My Lady."

LDV 'sorry for inconvenience'

The redundancy of hundreds of workers at LDV is already impacting on self-drive hire customers.

Blunkett injured in attack on cow

RSPCA officers in Derbyshire's Peak District are investigating reports that David Blunkett allowed his guide dog to harrass the local bovine population.

A fracas took place between the former cabinet minister, his black labrador cross Sadie and Gertie, a Highland/Jersey cross, whilst the three of them were out walking on Saturday.

Eyewitnesses suggest that Sadie was determined to overtake the cow and guided Mr.Blunkett, 62, around the left hand side of Gertie, somewhat startling the animal. She jumped, understandably, landing on Mr.Blunkett and injuring his ribs.


Gertie's owner was said to be livid, saying his cow was completely apolitical and was certainly not trying to start a fight as Mr. Blunkett suggested. He pointed out that Gertie had just as much trouble seeing Mr.Blunkett as he did seeing her, and the blame lay fairly and squarely with Sadie's competitiveness in trying to reach a stile first.

Gertie, 6, above, was said to be recovering well from her ordeal.

Sunday Supplement: Hollywood’s hottest hoofers

Although the new series of Strictly Come Dancing is still three months away, the race to take part is hotting up, with three major Hollywood couples competing against each other for the rights to maximum publicity. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, along with Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, are set to star in a new, mini version of Dancing with the Stars, to determine which of them make it through to the UK show.

Prancing In the Bars will showcase some of the new dances being introduced by Strictly bosses this year, to keep the format fresh and exciting. Favourite to win the Pole Dancing section, is, of course, Calista, whose pole experience vastly outweighs that of both Angelina and Katie; it has also become apparent, according to insiders, that rehearsals for the Tassell Swinging have brought cries of “Unfair Advantage” from Brad and Tom, who fear that Harrison’s ageing manboobs give him a head start.

Asked how he felt any of the star couples would cope with the physical demands of the training schedule, Strictly’s Head judge Len Goodman commented: “Nothing wrong with a few chesticles flying about, eh? What? Not Angelina’s? Oh. Bugger.”

Saturday Review: Big Brother #59

Channel Four chiefs are clapping each other on the back, thrilled with the publicity Big Brother #59 has generated, after unveiling what they believe to be a shocking new intake of contestants on the multi-award winning show.

With bankers and policitians headlining, the mystery surrounding where Fred Goodwin disappeared to has at last been answered, whilst Gordon Brown is said to be "extremely jealous" that former cabinet colleagues, Hazel Blears and Geoff Hoon, will be enjoying the luxury of their brand new third, fourth, fifth, sixth or possibly seventh home to play in and decorate with money that doesn't belong to them.

Also featuring are a tax inspector, a traffic warden, an estate agent, a WAG, a used car salesman and a tabloid journalist. (Ed: Actually, where is Joe? I haven't seen him a while.) These will be joined by a three token celebrities: Piers Morgan, David van Day and Ben Clarke from The Apprentice, in his second desperate attempt at a reality show.

"It's the most exciting and controversial set of housemates we've ever had," stated a Channel Four spokesman, kidding himself big time.

We asked what the incentive was for the public to vote, since we couldn't imagine anyone really caring enough to make one of them a winner.

"Ah, well, that's the beauty of it - we promised to make this show even riskier than anything you've ever seen before: They think they're up for winning £100,000 but now they're all locked in, we can exclusively reveal that the winner will be executed live on TV! We're gonna be raking it in from those phone lines!"

Transport Rethink?

In tests at an out of use track in North Kent, a volunteer commuter was left waiting in vain as the new high speed train failed to meet expectations.

Has Sir Alan Fired PM?

Speculation was rife today that the unofficial leader of the free-market world, Sir Alan Sugar, has been asked by The Queen to form a new Government.

The Apprentice star and business tycoon was spotted leaving 10 Downing Street twenty minutes after Gordon Brown wheeled out a small suitcase and departed in a taxi with his packed lunch. Reports suggest that Gordon didn't take much persuading to leave now rather than later, bearing in mind that his whole cabinet have left him to fight the Euro and local elections singlehandedly, the results of which will be filtering through over the next few days.

It is believed that Sir Alan has initiated a task for former cabinet members, sending them on a team building retreat to Manchester. There they will face a series of tough interviews from members of the public and be charged with re-branding the streetgangs. The winning team will stay in Manchester to bring their ideas to fruition; the losing team will stay in Manchester.

Nick and Margaret have decided to take early retirement and elope to the Bahamas.

Tetley Tea Advert Banned

Tetley's Green Tea advert has been banned following consumer complaints that it made misleading claims regarding health and fitness.

Sidney, Tetley's long term spokesman, denied that his manly physique and six-pack of decaf drawstring bags were solely the result of drinking Tetley Green Tea and maintained that the company had never intended to give the impression that it was.

The company came under fire from a Mr. Derek Poynter of Bath, who said the latest ad campaign promised him -but failed to deliver - "the face of Eric Bana and the body of Brad Pitt" whilst a Ms. Leanne Green said the ad irresponsibly implied that she too "could have a bottom like Jennifer Lopez, the boobs of Beyonce and the pout of Angelina Jolie" but, having drunk fifteen cups of green tea inside of one hour, found that all it gave her was a bladder like a space hopper.

Susan "trying to let Piers down gently"

A spokesman for Susan Boyle has admitted today that the real reason she booked herself into the Priory clinic, was to escape the continued and unwarranted attentions of Britain's Got Talent judge, Piers Morgan.

The singing sensation, who is still set to record an album even though she didn't win the competition, had initially welcomed the support given to her by Piers and was quite happy for a bit of harmless flirting. But as the weeks progressed she became concerned that he was becoming far too smitten and began to keep her distance.

The statement released said: "All those times he pleaded for Susan to be left alone - it wasn't because he wanted her to have some peace and quiet, it was so he had a clear run."

Monica Lewinsky Back in White House?

You can't keep a good woman down, or so the saying goes (ED: I think the saying should be rephrased in this instance) and it would seem that secretaries with the right qualifiations are in short supply in the White House, resulting in a recall for the compliant and helpful Ms. Lewinsky.

The President's Office are re-recruiting many former aides and colleagues of various Presidents, believing their input will be vital to avoid making the same mistakes as previous administrations.

Reports that President Obama has also employed Ms. Lewinksy's nan have been strongly denied, although not as strongly and vehemently as the reports suggesting there is a position for Dan Quayle.